It's finally done!

[amelia_petkova]

This is the story I had said would be posted by the end of September. Life got in the way.

You don't need to have read The Lais of Marie de France to enjoy and understand it, though it will be even more fun if you have.

Thank you to starstruckduck for beta-reading.

Title: The Lais of Marie de France Parody Theatre
Fandom: The Lais of Marie de France
Warnings: Length (it's really long) and at least a PG-13 rating for language and innuendo.




The Lais of Marie de France Parody Theatre
By Amelia Petkova of the United States


Table of Contents
Guigemar
Equitan
Le Fresne
Bisclarvet
Lanval
Les Deux Amanz
Yonec
Laüstic
Milun
Chaitivel
Chevrefoil
Eliduc

Disclaimer: I do not own The Lais of Marie de France, even if copyright had existed in the Middle Ages.

Notes: I really do love these stories, but while reading Les Deux Amanz during my lunch break at work I came across the potion/performance enhancer and it all went downhill from there.

I also do not own any pop culture quotes and references. Truly, the sex jokes wrote themselves. If you are a character in a Marie de France story, you might die, but you will almost certainly get laid.

* Direct quote

Guigemar
Marie: In the olden days of Brittany there was once the most studly and honorable of barons and his sexy yet most honorable wife. They had a daughter, who has nothing to do in this story, and a son named Guigemar. He was sent away as a foster child, because nobles are incapable of successfully raising their own children. And so the story finally becomes interesting. Guigemar was perfect except for one thing: He showed no interest in love!

Guigemar: I’ve won another tournament. How dull.
Very Attractive Women: Pay attention, man! We’re throwing ourselves at you, content with just a one-night stand, and you aren’t noticing!
Guigemar: Whatever. (rides away)
Very Attractive Women: (commit suicide)
Guigemar: Let’s go hunting!
Nobles: Hooray!
Deer: Son of a bitch, that hurts!
Guigemar: Hey, the arrow wasn’t supposed to boomerang! Ow! And OMG BAMBI CAN TALK!
Deer: How’s this for talking: You’re cursed to feel this injury until you fall in love with a woman who will put up with your stupidity and whom you will suffer for as well. Now go away so I can die in peace.
Nobles: Are you okay?
Guigemar: Do I look okay to you? Go find me some Neosporin. (hobbles to the shore) Wow, that is the most awesomely pimped-out ship ever!
The Most Awesomely Pimped-Out Ship: (sails away with Guigemar on it)

Marie: And now we come to the first husband in my stories who is old and jealous of his young and beautiful wife. Really, he could have married a woman who was either ugly or his own age and saved us a lot of trouble.

Wife: What on earth is that pimped-out ship doing here?
Maid: Sexy but wounded knight, party of one!

Marie: Yeah, tell them how you’re practically a eunuch.
Guigemar: (wakes up and sees Wife) Oh sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found you!
Marie: Then again, I could be mistaken.
Wife: …I gotta go.
Guigemar: (to Maid) I realize that you just spent the past ten minutes cleaning the wound in my thigh and I still have no pants on, but would you go tell your mistress that I think she’s the best thing since courtly love?
Maid: …fine. My lady, Guigemar wants me to tell you that he likes you.
Wife: He likes me, or likes likes me?
Maid: He told me to tell you that he’s not wearing any pants.
Wife: OMG YAY!!! (runs to Guigemar’s room)
Maid: grumble grumble I want a raise grumble

Guigemar: It’s been a year and a half. I love your husband’s business trips! And your love has healed my wound.
Wife: Yeah. Um…he’scominghometomorrow.
Guigemar: Where are my clothes?!?! I have to get dressed now!
Wife: But I know the moment you leave you’ll find another woman!
Guigemar: How about you tie a complicated knot in my shirt, and another woman can be with me only if she can untie it?
Wife: Ooh, kinky!
Guigemar: I was being serious.
Wife: It’s a good thing you’re sexy, because you do not have a sense of humor.
Guigemar: May I remind you which of us will be executed for adultery if I don’t leave soon?
Wife: Fine. Here, tie a knot in my belt and I’ll follow the same rule.
Guigemar: Even though you’re already married?
Wife: Shut up.
Husband: Honey, I’m home—oh my god, you’re a whore!
Guigemar and Wife: Shit!
Guigemar: Hey, it’s not my fault! I just found this ship, got onto it, and was brought here.
Husband: I’ll believe that if you can show me the ship.
Guigemar: It’s the most awesomely pimped-out ship right here.
Husband: Wow! Would you show me what it looks like on the inside?
Guigemar: Sure! (boards the ship)
Husband: (kicks the ship out of the harbor) Sucker!!!

Knight: It’s great to see you again, Guigemar!
Guigemar: …
Knight: Um…that’s an interesting knot in your shirt.
Guigemar: …
Knight: This is getting ridiculous. Please tell me you at least got laid.
Guigemar: BOOHOO!!! I WAS TRICKED INTO LEAVING MY GIRLFRIEND!!!
Knight: …

Marie: And so Guigemar invented the story of Cinderella, saying that he would marry whomever could untie the knot in his shirt without using scissors.

Young Woman: I’ve almost got it!
Guigemar: What’s this? A Swiss Army Knife?!?!
Young Woman: Aw, come on! You know we’re meant to be together.
Guigemar: To the dungeon with you, hussy!

Marie: Meanwhile…

Husband: (throws Wife into a black room) And you think about what you’ve done!
Wife: Believe me, remembering my sexy lover isn’t the problem. (Husband leaves) I’m bored.
The Most Awesomely Pimped-Out Ship: All aboard! Special discount for wives who need to escape from asshole husbands!
Wife: How convenient!

The Most Awesomely Pimped-Out Ship: Lord Meriaduc, are you home? I’ve brought you a present.
Meriaduc: Hey there! What’s a hottie like you doing on a ship like this?
Wife: What sort of sick joke is this?
Meriaduc: Aw, come on. Will you marry me? Pretty please?
Wife: Only if you can untie the knot in my belt.
Meriaduc: GASP! Just like Guigemar’s shirt!
Wife: Finally, news of my beloved! (faints)
Meriaduc: Dammit! Guigemar, get over here!
Guigemar: Hey man, what’s up?
Meriaduc: There’s somebody I want you to see and…why are you bolting my door?
Guigemar: The fangirls. They keep trying to tear my shirt off!
Meriaduc: You’ve been attacked by hordes of beautiful women who want you. How horrible. Hold on a minute and I’ll start playing my violin.
Guigemar: Will you get to the point before this story ends?
Meriaduc: I have a guest with a similar clothing problem. Sister, bring her out.
Wife: Guigemar! (faints again)
Meriaduc: Oh for the love of…somebody fetch the smelling salts!
Guigemar: Are you sure she’s my girlfriend? I thought she was taller.
Meriaduc: Your one true love is passed out on my floor, and you’ve forgotten what she looks like?
Guigemar: Hey, I’ve had a lot of women throwing themselves at me the past two years! It’s easy to get confused.
Wife: (wakes up) Guigemar!
Guigemar: Wife!
Wife: Guigemar!
Guigemar: Wife!
Wife: Dammit, I want a name!
Guigemar: I’ll buy one for you later.

Meriaduc: Can we get back to the point? (to Wife) Prove to me that you can untie his shirt.
Wife: Already done! And I can take the shirt off of him just as quickly.
Meriaduc: (headdesk)
Guigemar: So nice that your belt with the knot is underneath your dress!
Wife: Time to ride off into the sunset together!
Meriaduc: You wish! I’m keeping you.
Guigemar: That’s hardly chivalrous.
Meriaduc: Does it look like I care?
Guigemar: I’ll defeat you!
Meriaduc: You and what army?
Guigemar: (opens the castle doors)
Meriaduc: (is smothered by the fangirls)

Marie: Guigemar and his Wife lived happily ever after, though they always had to be one step ahead of Guigemar’s fangirls.

Equitan
Marie: The Bretons, who lived in Brittany, were fine and noble people.* And by “noble” I mean “adulterous.”

Seneschal: (to his Wife) Equitan, our king, is just; I have a good job; and I love you. I don’t believe that life can be better than this.
Wife: Neither do I. (Equitan rides by.) I take that back.

Marie: Love…let fly in his direction an arrow which left a very deep wound in him. It was launched at his heart and there it became firmly fixed.*
Wife: Actually, I was shooting at another part of his body.
Marie: …

Seneschal: My dear, the king isn’t feeling well. Talk to him so that he will feel better.
Wife: (to Equitan) What’s your problem?
Equitan: You are the problem! Ever since I saw you, I’ve been trying to figure out how to avoid betraying your husband. Do you have any idea how hard it is for me not to ravish you right now?!?!
Wife: Would you relax? I know that if I give in and we make the beast with two backs, you’ll drop me within a week. Besides, I like my husband!
Equitan: I think you’re really, really pretty.
Wife: Why haven’t you taken your clothes off yet?
Equitan: Yay!

Marie: Several years later…

Equitan: I would totally make you my queen if you weren’t married.
Wife: Maybe we can do something about that. Tell your men that you and my husband want to bathe together in a room with the door closed—
Equitan: I want to kill your husband, not make out with him!
Wife: Let me finish, moron. You’ll be in bathtubs. The water in his will be so hot that he’ll be boiled to death.

Seneschal: I’ll be right there. Don’t start without me!
Reader: Umm…
Marie: I didn’t mean it like that!
Wife: Time for a quickie before my husband comes back?
Equitan: You know it, babe.
Seneschal: Ok, I’ve got my bath oils and—oh, my god!
Equitan: Shit! (tries to hide butjumps into the wrong tub of water)
Wife: I can totally explain this.

Marie: The moral of my story: Don’t try to kill your employee just so you can sex up his wife.

Le Fresne
Notes:
--Le Fresne was given her name because she was found in an ash tree, and La Codre is named for the hazel.
--The full name of the astrological sign that Le Fresne cites is “Virgo the Virgin.”

Marie: In this story, the reader will learn why it is important to marry your boyfriend before having conjugal relations. As usual things begin with a knight and his wife…

Messenger: Sir, your neighbor would like to know that his wife gave birth to twin sons and would like you to be the godfather.
Knight: I can give them all the noisy toys Mommy and Daddy would never let me have as a child!
Wife: GASP!
Knight: Huh? Is your corset too tight again?
Wife: Didn’t you know? A woman gives birth to twins only if she has slept with two men!
Knight: So if a woman had septuplets…
Wife: She would be a flaming whore.
Knight: How horrible! (to Messenger) Go and tell everyone in the kingdom this news.
Messenger: Um, Sir? I think your wife is incorrect on how twins are created.
Knight: You’re calling my wife a liar? Get out before I have you beheaded!

Marie: We now fast-forward nine months.

Midwife: Look my lady, you gave birth to lovely twin girls!
Wife: SHIT! This is what I get for lying about my neighbor. To ward off shame, I shall have to murder one of the children.*
Maids: (move the daughters away from their mother)
Lady-in-Waiting: Infanticide is a bit extreme, but I’d be willing to commit child abandonment for you.
Wife: (sobbing) I always knew you were loyal to me. (to Maids and Midwife) Unlike the rest of you!
Maids and Midwife: (Aren’t touching their post-partum mistress with a ten-foot pole.)
Wife: (to daughters)


Eeny, meeny, miny, moe
Catch a tiger by the toe
If he hollers let him go,
Eeny, meeny, miny moe!


Ok, abandon that girl at a monastery. She’s the Church’s problem now.

Marie: And so the unlucky daughter, Le Fresne, was abandoned with a ruby ring and silk baby blanket because these stories aren’t fun without foreshadowing. The Midwife was heard to say that she was more worried about the daughter who remained, La Codre, as the mother seemed unreliable.

Porter at Abbey: Wife, I found a baby in a tree! Can I keep her? Can I can I?
Porter’s Wife: Just for tonight. Tomorrow, take her to the Abbess.
Porter: Squee!

Porter: (to Abbess) Pick a hand, right or left.
Abbess: I’m not playing that game again.
Porter: Pleeeease?
Abbess: Fine. Left hand.
Porter: You win a baby!
Abbess: What?!?!
Porter: I found her last night in a tree. Isn’t she cute?
Abbess: (looks at ring and silk diapers) Her parents must be rich, so I guess the Church won’t mind if I keep her. We’ll tell everybody that she is my niece.

Marie: The years passed and—you guessed it—Le Fresne grew to be a beautiful, talented, religious, virtuous woman. Of course, there was a young, good-looking lord named Gurun who lived nearby. If he hadn’t been present, Le Fresne wouldn’t have been so beautiful.

Gurun: OMG she is so hot how did I not notice her earlier?
Abbess: What did you say?
Gurun: Ahem, I mean to say, “Who is that attractive young lady?”
Abbess: My niece, La Fresne.
Gurun: Wait—you named her after a tree?
Abbess: Why not? By the way, thank you for the donations to our abbey. Though I don’t quite understand why you extended your land to where ours begins.
Gurun: All the better to be closer to your sexy virgin niece. I just couldn’t resist being closer to God.

Gurun: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
Le Fresne: Virgo.
Gurun: I could do a little somethin-somethin about changing that, if you want. (winks)
Le Fresne: Huh?
Gurun: (headdesk)

Marie: What do you expect? She was raised in an abbey.

Gurun: Let me find another way to put this… You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals / So let’s do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel.
Le Fresne: Beg pardon?
Gurun: You. Me. Sex. NOW.
Le Fresne: Why didn’t you say so?

Marie: The lovers had the following conversation after several weeks of sex before the invention of the condom.

Gurun: I’ve been thinking, you should come and live with me. Just in case you get pregnant and your aunt finds out.
Le Fresne: So you’ll marry me?
Gurun: Hell no! You don’t have any money. But I do love you, and I’ll always be faithful.
Knights: Sir, you know that we all love Le Fresne, right?
Gurun: I’d kill you if I thought you didn’t.
Knights: You still haven’t married and need an heir. You really need a wife. There’s a lord near here who has the perfect daughter, named La Codre. In exchange for Le Fresne, whom you will give up, you will have La Codre. On the hazel there are nuts to be enjoyed, but the ash never bears fruit.*
Gurun: So you’re saying that you want me to pick La Codre’s nuts?
Reader: Eew.
Gurun: Are you sure I can’t keep both women?
Knights: Positive.

Le Fresne: I must have heard that wrong. Did you say Gurun was just married?
Knight: Um…yes?
Le Fresne: WAAH!!!!!!
Knight: It’s really a compliment, because his wife looks just like you!
Le Fresne: WAAH!!!!!!
Knight: I’m sorry.
Le Fresne: (sniff) I should go and make Gurun’s wife’s bed now with my silk baby blankie.

Wedding Guests: Wow, Le Fresne and La Codre are nearly identical!

Wife: (to La Codre) Seeing as how we’re characters in a Marie de France story, your honeymoon will be great. So just close your eyes and think of France.
Marie: Hey!
Wife: Where did this blanket come from?
Knight: Holy shit, she’s scary. From Le Fresne, Gurun’s mistress.
Wife: Bring her here now!
Le Fresne: Hey, you’re the lady who wants to kick me out to make room for your daughter! Wife: Where did you get that blanket?
Le Fresne: From my aunt, the abbess. She says it’s from my mother, who abandoned me as a baby.
Wife: That was the blanket I wrapped my baby in!
Le Fresne: MOMMY!
Wife: Oh baby, I’m so sorry I tried to have you killed as an infant.
Le Fresne: …
Wife: C’mere and give mommy a hug!
Church: (to Gurun) Now that we know Le Fresne has land and is filthy rich, we don’t care if you marry her. Go on, make lots of little rich babies!

Bisclarvet
Marie: We’ve always had werewolves in Brittany, because that’s the way we roll. For once in my stories, the husband (Bisclarvet) and his wife were both young and hot, and loved each other. But happy people are boring, so let’s shake things up a bit.

Wife: Why do you keep disappearing three days each week? You don’t have another woman on the side, do you?
Bisclarvet: Nope.
Wife: Keep in mind that, if you’re an unfaithful husband, according to Marie I have every right to cheat on and try to kill you.
Bisclarvet: I swear I’m not sexing up anybody but you!
Wife: Ooh. You sure know how to sweet-talk a woman.

(They take a Lovers’ Break.)

Wife: Why won’t you tell me where you go?!?!
Bisclarvet: Jeez, would you relax? Fine, I’m a werewolf. Happy now?
Wife: You wish. Are you a clothed werewolf or a nudist werewolf?
Bisclarvet: I can’t tell you, or Bad Things will happen to me.
Wife: Sweetie, I would never let anything bad happen to you? Please tell me.
Bisclarvet: Only because I love you. Here is the exact place in the forest where I bury my clothes. If my clothes are missing, I’m stuck as a werewolf forever. I love you, honey.
Wife: (to herself) Oh my God my husband has claws he’s gonna kill me.

Marie: And so she sent for a knight who had always loved her, even though she was married.

Wife: Do you still want me?
Knight: I dunno. I think having sex with a werewolf means you’re into beastiality, and I don’t like my women that kinky.
Wife: Look, boobies!
Knight: Yay! Wait, what did you say?
Wife: We need to steal my husband’s clothes.
Knight: No problem. Do we get to have sex now?

Marie: Poor Bisclarvet was stuck as a werewolf in the forest because of his evil wife, and eventually everyone forgot about him. But one year later the king was hunting in the forest and Bisclarvet, who was still loyal even though lacking opposable thumbs, came over to say hello.

Courtiers: Look out Your Majesty, rabid wolf!
King: Isn’t he the cutest thing ever?!?! Shake, boy! Roll over! So adorable. I’m bringing him home.
Courtiers: (headdesk)
Knight: Good morning, Your Majesty. My…wife and I just happened to be in the neighborhood and thought we’d pay our respects. My goodness, what a lot of money you have!
Bisclarvet: Die, you bastard!!! (attempts to tear out the Knight’s throat)
King: Bad doggy! No biscuit!
Bisclarvet: (gnaws on his leash)
Knight: I’ll see you later then bye!

Marie: Several days later, the King visited Bisclarvet’s evil wench of a Wife.

Wife: I’m so sorry that my husband ran away like a little girl, Your Majesty but—
Bisclarvet: I’ve got your nose!
King: You tore the nose off of her face! That’s it, I’m sending you to the pound.
Courtier: Your Majesty, the animal has been perfectly behaved until that odd Knight and his Wife turned up. Try asking her why the creature is so angry.
King: (to Wife) Your ears are coming off next if you don’t tell me what’s going on!
Wife: Hold on while I put a bandage over the gaping hole in my face. The wolf is my husband.
King: You’re into beastilaity? Eew!
Wife: Will you shut up and listen? He’s a werewolf. I hid his clothes in the forest so that he couldn’t change back into a human.

Marie: And so the King sent a servant to fetch Bisclarvet’s clothing but when the servant returned…

King: Why isn’t he changing back into a human? I want to see this!
Courtier: Um, Your Majesty? I’ve heard the process is gross to watch; also, Bisclarvet will be nekkid before putting his clothes back on, so why don’t we give him some privacy?
King: (pouts) Oh, fine.
Human!Bisclarvet: (to himself) That was hard work! I need a nap. (falls asleep in the King’s bed)
King: (sneaks into the room) He’s even more adorable now! Wakey wakey, sunshine!
Bisclarvet: Maybe I should have stayed in the forest

Marie: And as for that tramp Bisclarvet was married to, all her descendants from that point on were born without noses! Remember, this actually happened. A friend of a friend of a cousin of mine was there!

Lanval
Marie: Lanval was a young, handsome knight who always did the right thing. However, nice guys often finish last, and his fellow knights at King Arthur’s court plotted against him.

Arthur: ‘Kay everybody, line up! Time for your Easter baskets!
1st Knight: I got a sword!
2nd Knight: I got a horse!
3rd Knight: I got a rock.
Arthur: Did I miss anybody?
Lanval: Don’t forget me!
Other Knights: NO!
Lanval: You guys suck. (goes away to angst)

(A pair of sexmaids appear.)

Sexmaids: Sir, our scantily-clad mistress wants to speak with you. She says you’ll get something extra-good because Arthur forgot you.
Lady: Lanval, I came all the way from Avalon just to find you. You better say that you like me.
Lanval: I don’t know what’s more dangerous, her love or her hate! How could I not love so fair a woman who came so far to see me?
Lady: Hell yeah! (tackles Lanval)

Lanval: Are you sure I can’t stay with you?
Lady: Positive. Lack of sex makes the heart grow fonder!
Lanval: I’d be very interested to know who taught you about relationships.
Lady: If you’re alone and you think of me, I’ll be there immediately! But you can never tell anybody about me…or I’ll cut off your balls to bake my bread!
Lanval: Being hated would be safer. Thanks for the money and new clothes, babe.
Lady: Call me!

Gawain: Y’know, Lanval is rich now and I feel bad for making fun of him earlier.
Ywain: Let’s invite him to our party!
Other Knight: Like, totally!
Gwenhwyfar: Wow, I never noticed how sexy Lanval is. I mean, I always knew he was nice, but who cares about nice guys when they’re poor?
Lanval: (keeping three feet between them and wearing a full suit of armor) Good morning, Your Married Majesty.
Gwenhwyfar: Was that a twinkle in your eye or did a star just fall from the sky?
Lanval: Beg pardon? Have you been drinking mead again?
Gwenhwyfar: I said, let’s have an affair while Arthur’s away!
Lanval: How about we don’t.
Gwenhwyfar: Bet you’re gay!
Lanval: No, I’m not. Besides, I’m taken and the ugliest maid of my lady is hotter than thou.
Gwenhwyfar: I AM TOO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!!!!!!
Lanval: ARE NOT!!!!!!
Gwenhwyfar: ARE TOO!!!!!!
Arthur: How dare you insult my wife and refuse to have sex with her? Go on, prove that your lady is prettier than mine.
Lanval: She only comes when I’m alone. And now she won’t at all, because I told someone about her.
Arthur: So you don’t really have a girlfriend.
Lanval: I do too!
Arthur: Bitch, please. If your girlfriend exists, then Merlin really does have magical powers.
Merlin: Look, I can pull a coin out from your ear!
Lanval: I’m telling the truth.
Arthur: Go to your room until we decide what to do with you!

Head Judge: So we’ve decided that Lanval is a dirty liar, yes?
Other Judges: I guess…whoa, mama.
Two scantily-clad sexmaids: Take us to your leader.
Judges: King Arthur, look at our new friends!
Arthur: What is your verdict?
Judges: Well sire, we were so distracted by the scantily-clad sexmaids that we…don’t have an answer.
Arthur: (to Lanval) Is one of these your lady?
Lanval: Are you kidding? My girlfriend is way hotter!
Arthur. Fine. One more day!

Second pair of sexmaids: How you doing?
Judges: Lord, rejoice! For the love of God, speak to us!*
Arthur: Have you decided yet?
Barons. OMG SO HOT.
Arthur: (headdesk)
Sexmaids: Our mistress is coming, so you better put out the red carpet and clean your castle.
Gwenhwyfar: I’m starting to think this wasn’t such a good idea.

Lady: (entering town) I’m so gorgeous that there is a solid half-page of text devoted to my beauty. Clearly, you can see than I’m better-looking than the queen.
Arthur: Absolutely.
Gwenhwyfar: What? You are so sleeping on the couch tonight.
Lady: Lanval, let’s blow this joint.
Lanval: Does this mean I get to go with you to Avalon and eat all the apples I want?
Lady: You bet, sweetcheeks.

Marie: And nobody ever heard from Lanval and his Lady again because they were too busy having sex and eating apples to send a postcard.

Lanval: My name almost spells “Avalon!”

Les Deux Amanz
Marie: Once upon a time, there was a father who didn’t want his daughter to be married, for he knew that her husband would probably cheat on her.

Heroine: Woe is me. Daddy won’t let me marry.
King: Not unless you find somebody who can carry you up the mountain.
Heroine: Daddy, what’s that going to prove?
King: Not a damn thing.

Marie: Naturally, there was a young nobleman who wanted to marry the princess.

King: (yanks the Hero and Heroine apart) No pre-marital nookie! And maybe not even after you’re married. There will be a space of five feet between you at all times. (storms out of the room, crying about his baby girl growing up too fast)
Hero: We need to marry before your father begins menopause.
Heroine: Beloved, I know it is impossible for you to carry me, for you are not strong enough.* Go visit my aunt, who is a doctor. She will give you a drug to make you stronger, unlike the wimp you are now.

Aunt: Of course I’ll help you lovebirds! You remind me of how I felt about my first husband.
Hero: Thank you?
Aunt: It’s very simple. (hands the Hero a bottle filled with toxic green liquid) Drink this the moment you begin climbing the mountain, and you’ll feel like He-Man.
Hero: Thanks, Auntie!
Aunt: The Marie de France Doctors’ Union accepts no responsibility if you wait too long to take the uppers.

Hero: I’ve come to marry your daughter!
King: Just as soon as you carry her up the mountain.
Hero: No problem. (picks up the Heroine and starts walking)
King: Wait, what? When did he start lifting weights?
Heroine: You’re so strong now, honey!
Hero: And I haven’t drunk the potion. I’ve been made strong by the Power of Love.
Heroine: Oh my god, what were you thinking?!?! Take it now!
Hero: In a little while. What could go wrong?

Marie: Several miles later…

Heroine: Would you just take the steroids already?
Hero: No…I’m sure I can make it…just a few more miles up the mountain…
(He dies. How sad. She pulls a Romeo & Juliet from before Shakespeare thought of it and dies beside him.)

Yonec
Marie: This story is titled “Yonec” because it’s all about him. Just as soon as I tell you about his parents. And guess what? It’s about yet another old man married to a young woman whom he keeps locked up! Are these husbands impotent or something? Not content with shutting her away, he has his old, widowed sister guard her.

Sister: Brother, you married this woman in order to have children. It’s been seven years and I don’t hear any little feet going pitter-patter around the castle. There is something wrong with you for not spending time with your young, beautiful, flexible wife.
Lady: Don’t tell him that! I don’t want the old creep touching me!

Marie: The husband constantly went away on business trips, not even allowing his wife to attend church in his absence. I guess he was afraid the priest would break his vow of chastity.

Lady: Is it possible to be bored to death? Cursed be my parents and all those who gave me to this jealous man and married me to his person!* I’m always hearing stories about lonely women who are visited by noble, handsome men. If this can be and ever was, if it ever did happen to anyone, may almighty God grant my wish!*
(A hawk flies in through the window and turns into a man.)
Muldumarec: Ta-da! Your prayers have been answered.
Lady: With the who and the what and the huh?
Muldumarec: Marie de France is your fairy godmother and sent me to you. I have always loved you.
Lady: Does this make you a Peeping Tom, since I never saw you?
Muldumarec: Look, do you want to have some fun or not?
Lady: Only if you take Communion.
Muldumarec: The things I do for love.
Lady: Fetch the priest! Chop chop!
Priest: I’m not even gonna ask how this naked man got into your room. The less I know, the less I can tell if your husband tortures me. (he leaves)
Lady: Rrow! (rips off Muldumarec’s clothes)

Reader: Ouch, I bet those claws hurt. Doesn’t anybody sleep in their own bed?
Marie: No, because that would be boring. And we’re French, so we just don’t care.

Lady: Aww, do you have to leave already?
Muldumarec: I’ve been here all day, woman!
Lady: You know, I meant it when I said I could have died of boredom. You aren’t leaving to spend time with another woman, are you?
Muldumarec: No, that would be Eliduc. Just call me whenever you want, and I’ll be here. But be careful, because your sister-in-law will betray us immediately if she finds out.
Lady: She’s just jealous.
Muldumarec: That won’t make me any less dead.
Lady: All right. Until tomorrow, loverboy!

Marie: After several weeks, the Lady’s keeper became suspicious and soon discovered the secret.

Sister: Your wife is cheating on you!
Husband: How? I’ve shut her up in a room all alone, in a tall tower, with only one window and you guarding the door. She’s completely cut off from the world!
Sister: The Human Rights Committee has something to say about that. Anyway, there’s a hawk who flies in through her window every day, turns into a bird, and then they have carnal relations. And this man is fine. Even I would fall in love with him if my hormones hadn’t dried up years ago!
Husband: Time to take advice from the husband in Laustic. (hammers nails all around the Lady’s window) Mwahahahaha!

Lady: When the husband is away, the lovers will play. Come and get it!
Muldumarec: Ow ow ow ow ow ow! Motherfucking ow!!!
Lady: What’s the matter?
Muldumarec: Your asshole husband filled the windowsill with nails! How did you not notice this?
Lady: I’m sorry. Can we at least make out before you leave?
Muldemarc: Uh, hello? Me. Dying. NOW. (jumps out the window)
Lady: Wait for me! (jumps after him even though the window is twenty feet up and she’s wearing only her nightgown)

Marie: The Lady followed the trail of blood through a beautiful, deserted city until she reached a palace where Muldumarec was lying on a bed.

Lady: I said I was sorry!
Muldumarec: Unless you suddenly have medical training, I don’t want to hear it. Listen up: you have to leave soon, or else the people of my city will know that you’re the reason why I’m dead, and they’ll kill you.
Lady: You should have told me that earlier!
Muldumarec: Shut up.
Lady: But if I go back to my husband, he’ll kill me.
Muldumarec: Put this ring on. As long as you wear it, your husband will forget everything.
Lady: So why didn’t you give it to me before he discovered us?
Muldumarec: Good question. Take this sword and give it to my son when he’s grown up, and show him where I’m buried. And for God’s sake, put a shirt on!
Lady: You didn’t have a problem with my shirt being off earlier—oh. He’s dead.

Marie: The power of the ring worked so well, that the Husband even forgot that he never had sex with his wife. The Lady’s son, Yonec, was raised to be a knight, and the years passed until he was an adult. One day, the happy family went on a road trip.

Yonec: Are we there yet?
Lady: If you say that one more time I’ll send you to your room, knight or no knight.
Husband: Maybe we should stop for directions.
Lady: Pfft. We’re the nobility. We don’t need no stinking directions!
Yonec: Look, an abbey! Let’s go on a tour!

Abbot: Here are the dorms, where the monks are kept completely separated from women; here is the chapel, where donations are encouraged; and here is the tomb of the great knight Muldumarec, who died because of his love for a married woman. Ever since he died, we’ve been waiting for his son to appear and take the throne.
Lady: (to Yonec) That’s your daddy!
Yonec: Who’s my daddy?
Lady: The dead guy.
Husband: OMG you cheated on me!
Lady: Suck it up.

Marie: She…fell into a faint on the tomb, and, while unconscious, died. She never spoke again, but when her son saw she was dead, he struck off his stepfather’s head, and thus with his father’s sword avenged his mother’s grief.*

Minstrels: What a sad story. Let’s make it into a one-hit wonder!

Laustic
Marie: Yet again, another knight and lady commit adultery. Let’s face it; the rich had nothing better to do.

Husband: Why are you always standing naked in front of the window?
Wife: All the better to flirt with our neighbor—I mean, there’s a nightingale singing in the garden, and its song is so arousing that I feel the urge to take off my clothing.

(The Husband fills their yard with traps and snares and spikes and murders the nightingale! What an overreaction.)

Husband: I’ve got a present for you!
Wife: How sweet, a… (opens the box) …dead bird. Well, shit. Maid, take this to my neighbor and tell him the gig is up.
Neighbor: I’ve never felt so guilty over a dead bird in my life. (He carries it around for the rest of his life in a jewel-covered box because in addition to being horny, the rich are also so very, very weird.)

Milun
Note: About the Star Wars joke: I know it’s not the funniest moment, but it had to be done.

Marie: Once upon a time there was a strong, handsome, romantically available knight who happened to meet a virgin who was so beautiful, rich, and supposedly innocent that…oh hell, you know what’s going to happen.

Lady: I’ve become yet another Marie de France character who’s pregnant while unmarried. How did people avoid this shit before Planned Parenthood? (to Milun) And why won’t you marry me?
Milun: Because Marie won’t let us.
Marie: Don’t make me write your death!
Wife from Le Fresne: You could abandon the child at a monastery! It worked for me.
Milun: You’re hardly one to be giving advice. Shoo!
Lady: I could always pretend that I was just fat, and then send the child to stay with my sister.
Milun: Excellent idea!

Marie: Nine months passed and then one day…

Lady’s Sister: Why the hell is there a baby on my doorstep? (sees a piece of illuminated manuscript) Oh, he has a note from my sister: “Oops.”

Old Man: Hi, babe! Your father says I get to marry you!
Lady: I hate being a woman.
Priest: And if any person knows a reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now or forever hold your peace.
Lady: Dammit, Milun!
Milun: (is several countries away)
Old Man: Pucker up, buttercup.

Milun: So, what happened while I was gone?
Servant: Let’s see…the plague killed half the serfs, and your girlfriend was married off.
Milun: WHAT?!?!
Servant: Well she had to marry somebody.

Milun and the Lady: (communicate by hiding love notes in a swan for the next twenty years)

Son: Can I go out and fight now pleeeeeease?
Lady’s Sister: I suppose. Even if you are killed in a tournament, at least you won’t be having sex with my maids!
Son: We were only playing “Doctor!”
Lady’s Sister: You certainly do take after your parents.

Knight 1: Did you hear about this hot-shot kid who’s winning all the tournaments?
Knight 2: He must be the strongest person ever!
Milun: Grr.
Son: Next victim!
Milun: MUST KILL!!!
Son: Hey there, gramps, you might want to lay off the caffeine.
Milun: CHARGE!!!
Son: (wins the fight in two seconds) Aw, don’t feel bad. I’ll buy a round of drinks.

Marie: Several tankards and wenches later…

Milun: What’s your background story, kid?
Son: Auntie says that I was conceived in sin because my father, Milun, was too much of a wuss to marry my mother after he knocked her up. Mom was too irresponsible to raise me herself, and sent me to live with her sister. I intend to travel throughout the world kicking ass, taking names, and enjoying the company of loose women until I find my parents.
Milun: Luke, I am your father. (breathes heavily)
Son: Huh?
Milun: Star Wars reference. It’s in my contract. A bad joke, but the author insists.
Son: Marie?
Milun: No, the crazy Yankee.
Amelia: Hey!
Son: In truth, father, I shall bring you and my mother together. I shall kill her husband and marry her to you.*
Milun: (sob) That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.
Swan-Mail from the Lady: No need! The old fart is already dead!

Marie: And they all lived happily ever after.

Chaitivel
Note: The translation of the title is “The Unhappy One.”

Marie: In Brittany there was an unmarried noblewoman who was intelligent enough to play the field before choosing a husband. Unfortunately, she wasn’t very good at it.

Four Knights: (to beautiful Lady) Love me love me love me!!!
Lady: Oh, I don’t know what to do! How can I pick just one?
Maid: I bet you couldn’t have all four men as lovers without any of them finding out.
Lady: You’re on.

Town crier: Ye Olde Tournament will now be held to defend the honor of our Lady.
Four Knights: Hooray!
A Bazillion Other Knights: Bring it on!
Three of the Knights: (bite the dust)
Surviving Knight: (a lance goes all the way through his thigh!) SON OF A BITCH!!!
Lady: I’m so sorry that you were hurt because of loving me—
Surviving Knight: I don’t have time for that sentimental shit! Can I still make sweet lovin to a woman?
Lady: …I think so…
Surviving Knight: Woot!
Lady: But it’s all my fault ‘cause I was jealous and was sexing up you and your friends at the same time and I didn’t want you to die and I think I kinda mighta given you some sorta disease!
Surviving Knight: Damn, now I’m jealous of the dead knights! They’re peacefully dead and don’t have to live with knowing what a ho you are.

Chevrefoil
Note: The story of Tristan and Isolde can be found in Arthurian literature and Celtic mythology. His name is spelled as “Tristram” because that is how Marie wrote it.

Tristram and Isolde: (Have some afternoon nookie while concealing their affair from King Mark.)

Marie: Seriously, that's all that happens.

Eliduc
Marie: For once in this story, I name both the female characters. Just for fun, though, I made their names almost identical! You may now praise my wittiness.

King: Eliduc, your co-workers say that you don’t like me. I know you are the best knight I’ve ever had, but they seem so honest! What do you have to say for yourself?
Eliduc: Wait, when did this happen?
King: Aha! I thought so. Into exile with you!
Eliduc: Can’t we talk about this?
King: Exile, now, or I’ll have you drawn and quartered!
Eliduc: Damn feudal system.

Guildeluec: And just why can’t I go on vacation with you?
Eliduc: Well, somebody has to keep an eye on our property. It’s not so bad—at least Marie de France gave you a name!
Guildeluec: Only because it sort of rhymes with yours.
Eliduc: I’ll be back soon.
Guildeluec: If you cheat on me, I’ll bite your nose off!
Eliduc: I love you too, dear.

Father: Help! My neighbor wants to marry my daughter against my will!
Guilladun: Shouldn’t that be “against your daughter’s will?”
Father: Sweetie, you know I love you, but let’s face it—nobody gives a damn what you want.
Eliduc: I’ll save you!
Guilladun: Oh Christ, not another empty-headed—hey, he’s kinda cute!
Father: OMG I’ll give you whatever you want if you get rid of these jerks.

Enemy Knight 1: Is it just me, or is there something creepy about this deserted valley?
Enemy Knight 2: Dude, I know what you mean. I would totally set up an ambush here.
Eliduc: Surprise!
Enemy Knights: Dammit!
Father: Wow, that was so cool! Mind if I fanboy you?
Eliduc: Go right ahead. I’m used to it. Though my fans are usually women.
Father: Will you stay here for a year if I give you lots of presents?
Eliduc: Does this make you my sugar daddy?
Father: You bet your sweet ass it does!
Guilladun: DADDY! I’m the only one who gets Eliduc’s sweet ass!

Marie: Guilladun continued to examine Eliduc’s attractiveness and came to a logical conclusion.

Guilladun: If you don’t become my lover, I’ll kill myself.
Eliduc: (monotone) Oh no. I’ll have to make love to a hottie to keep her from committing suicide. How horrible.
Guilladun: Well, not now! My dad is here!
Eliduc: You’re such a tease. Fine, we’ll just mentally sex each other up while sitting on opposite sides of a chessboard.
Father: Guilladun, is everything all right?
Guilladun: (eyes are glazed over) Huh? OH! Yeah, everything’s fine. It’s just really hot in here.
Eliduc: Maybe it would help if you took off a layer of clothing.

Eliduc: Sir, it’s been over a year and I really need to go home.
Father: Do you have to?
Eliduc: There are people who are waiting for me, including one who threatens to bite off my nose.
Father: Why are you so eager to get back to him, then?
Eliduc: She and I are…related.
Guilladun: Take me with you! If not, I shall kill myself and never have joy or happiness again.*
Eliduc: I can see how it would be difficult to be happy if you were dead.
Guilladun: (eyes water)
Eliduc: I’ll come back, I promise. Just stop crying!
Guilladun: (sniffle)

Eliduc: Honey, I’m home!
Guildeluec: WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Eliduc: I’m sorry I’m sorry please don’t castrate me!
Guideluec: Why would I do that? I like that part of your body; it’s your nose that I don’t care for.
Eliduc: …how comforting.
Guideluec: Seriously, where have you been?
Eliduc: It’s a secret. Oh, and I told the king there I would return. Bye!
Guideluec: GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW, ELIDUC!
Eliduc: Sorry, I’m a mile out to sea and can’t hear you!
(Smoke comes out of Guideluec’s ears.)

Eliduc: Honey, I’m home!
Guilladun: What took you so long?
Eliduc: I was gone barely a week!
Guilladun: That’s still too long to be without you.
Eliduc: We’ll deal with your possessive issues and suicide threats later. Ready to sail into the sunset?
Guilladun: Bring it on.

Guilladun: What a wonderful sea voyage. It will be nice to be in your home country, though.
Eliduc: About that. We might have to change the travel route.
Guilladun: Why?
Sailor: Well you see we’re probably going to run into his wife when we land.
Guilladun: His wife? Ah do believe ah have the vapors! (goes comatose)
Eliduc: She died? What an overreaction! (kills the sailor who told Guilladun about Guildeluec)
Other sailor: Speaking of overreactions.
Eliduc: I know! I can bury her in that chapel deep in the woods where that hermit lives! Any objections?
Other sailor: As if we’d dare to argue with you now!
Eliduc: Onward to Sherwood Forest!

Eliduc: Hey Friar Tuck, where you at?
Hermit: (is dead)
Eliduc: Dammit!
Other sailor: Why don’t we dig a grave, anyway? We’re still on holy ground.
Eliduc: No way! We have to build a bigger, better church first. Only the best for my dead girlfriend!
Other sailor: I need to find a new boss.
Eliduc: Let’s just lay her out on top of the hermit’s coffin for the time being. I’m sure he won’t mind.

Guildeluec: What’s the matter? You look like somebody you love just died.
Eliduc: DON’T TOUCH ME.
Guildeluec: Fine, be that way.

Marie: The following day, Eliduc went back to the forest to make arrangements with an abbot to build a new church.

Eliduc: Huh, Guilladun looks pretty good for a dead person.

Marie: Alas, despite his noble education and familiarity with the female body, Eliduc had never been taught how to feel for a pulse.

Servant: (to Guildeluec) So I spied on your husband like you asked and…you aren’t going to like this.
Guildeluec: If you don’t tell me, I’ll have you beheaded.
Servant: Sweet lord, these nobles are insane. Anyway, he went to a chapel and it seems that his lover is there.
Guildeluec: WHAT?!?!
Servant: If it makes you feel any better, she’s dead.
Guildeluec: OMG MY HUSBAND IS INTO NARCOLEPSY!!!
Servant: NO! She was his girlfriend before she died, understand?
Guildeluec: Oh. Take me to the chapel.
Servant: Huh?
Guildeluec: I need to see what’s so special about this woman.
Servant: Oh sure, that’s normal.

Marie: Fortunately, Eliduc had chosen this day to ask the king for permission to build his shiny new church, and so did not come across Guildeluec and her Servant.

Guildeluec: Wow, she really is gorgeous! At least my unfaithful husband has good taste. Servant: AIIIEEE, a weasel! Kill it kill it kill it!
Other weasel: That was uncalled for. (goes into the forest and comes back with a red flower) Wakey, wakey!
Guildeluec: That flower brought the weasel back to life! Catch it! Throw your stick, good man, do not let it escape!*
Other weasel: Ow! This is not a good day for the animal kingdom.
Guildeluec: Rise and shine! (puts the flower in Guilladun’s mouth)
Other weasel: You do realize that was just inside my weasel-wife’s mouth.
Guildeluec: Shut up or I’ll kill your weasel-wife a second time.

Guilladun: Where am I and why am I lying atop a dead man?
Guildeluec: We’ll get to that in a minute. What’s your story?
Guilladun: My asshole boyfriend forgot to tell me that he was married, and I went catatonic when I found out. He was also stupid enough to think I was dead. She who trusts a man is extremely foolish.*
Guildeluec: I’m his wife.
Guilladun: I’m sorry I boinked your husband, please don’t kill me!
Guildeluec: Relax. I’ll become a nun, and you can marry Eliduc.
Guilladun: But I don’t want him anymore! He’s yours.
Guildeluec: No way. I already had my turn and now you get to put up with him.
Guilladun: I’m not marrying him.
Guildeluec: Will too!
Guilladun: Will not!
Eliduc: Honey, I’m—well, this is an unexpected turn of events!
Guildeluec: Guilladun is going to marry you and I’m going to become a nun.
Eliduc: When was this decided?
Guildeluec: Just now.
Guilladun: You win. I’ll marry him, but only for a little while.
Eliduc: Don’t I have any say in this?
Guildeluec and Guilladun: No.

Marie: And they all became nuns and a monk, and never had sex again.


The End




This would have been so much easier to write if Marie de France had bothered to name her female characters.